Energetic Boundaries
Hey community!
Today I wanted to talk about energetic boundaries, why they’re so important and what we can do to strengthen them.
A few days ago, something happened to remind me that the energetic boundary work never truly ends. My partner and I are staying in an Air BnB in Croatia for the next month. The woman who runs it, who is in her late 50’s, came to the door to kindly bring our laundry upstairs. We stood at the door having a conversation, whereby I asked her how long she had lived here for. Before I knew it, she was telling me about the tragedies in her life and the issues she has with her husband, who also lives downstairs. She also told me about her problematic neighbours. It was a very one-way conversation, and when she left, I felt completely drained yet very stressed at the same time. I started worrying about their relationship, our safety, and the local area.
What’s worse is that once she’d dumped her energy into me, she tried to seal it by saying ‘don’t tell anyone’, effectively meaning that energy would now just live inside me permanently.
What had happened? I’d basically absorbed her energy, whilst giving her mine. Looking back, saw how I had fallen into some old patterns. By listening intently with my whole body, and by not laying down the necessary boundaries with her from the offset, I now had to spend some considerable time clearing her energy from my system. I could see how I had subtly opened up my field and given cues to encourage her to continue.
Now, here’s where this gets difficult. People suffer, and as a (retiring) Empath, I can’t stand seeing that. I always believed that it was in my nature to help heal everyone I came across, and that just because I COULD absorb their energy, that I SHOULD do it.
After years of doing this, I can safely say it did nothing but drain me of my inherent energetic resources and actually prevent me from truly helping people in an effective way. It also prevented them from learning and evolving on their own path.
Here’s how it started for me, and how it may start for many of us. I was a highly sensitive, energetically open ten year old whose mother had just died and whose dad had placed me in a new stepfamily. Because I was so open and innocent, certain family members started unconsciously pouring their unwanted energies into me, and I had no protection. I’m talking shame, guilt and anger - a lot of the shadow energies they didn’t want to process. I took them all. I was the youngest in the family and I didn’t want to be abandoned. A survival instinct kicked in, where I must have ‘agreed’ to take their projected energies in, for fear of what would happen if I didn’t. So I became the scapegoat.
I developed a firm belief that I had to be other people’s energetic dumping ground to survive. And I also believed that others weren’t capable of processing their own stuff, but I was, so I would ‘take one for the team’.
The incident the other day reminded me that those old patterns still reside in me, despite the deep inner work I do. Especially when someone has done something kind for me, like cooked or helped with the laundry, part of me feels like I ‘owe’ that person my energy. In reality, I don’t owe them anything, as they have chosen to kindly help me. And if I did owe them, I’d rather pay them back with household chores than absorb their sticky energies.
Thankfully, because I’d spent a few years working on energetic boundaries, I was able to clearly see what had happened and rectify it that day.
Energetic Boundary Work
To me, energetic boundaries extend beyond verbal and physical boundaries. They are subtle yet powerful, and they’re often unseen, yet clearly felt.
They extend to what we absorb into our minds and hearts on a daily basis. Here are ten ways in which I strengthen my boundaries:
Curating my social media feeds. How does my body feel when I read certain posts? Do I feel drained, does my body contract, does it make me dislike myself? If so, I unfollow. And I keep following accounts which made me feel inspired, expansive, and fired up in a constructive way.
Same with Netflix. If there is a show with lots of violence or very little positivity, I notice myself feeling very negative afterwards. So they have to go.
Friends. Unfortunately, I had quite a few friends who were all ‘take’ and no ‘give’. Meaning I gave a lot of time and energy lifting them up, and they didn’t spend any time doing the same for me. After our interactions, I was completely drained whilst they were beaming. This also applied to people who spoke my ear off more than they genuinely listened to me. Those connections had to go, too. This wasn’t easy, but I found that some naturally started falling away as I became more boundaried.
Family members. I put down firm boundaries with people who were highly critical, shaming or abusive. For many of them, I resorted only to text-based conversations rather than phone, or in person. Therefore I was also in control of how much energy I was willing to tolerate, and I wasn’t forced to respond. With some, I went ‘no contact’. I appreciate that this is a particularly difficult one, and it looks different for everyone.
Minimising exposure to externally stressful situations, such as large, loud crowds or any type of draining environments.
Clearing my physical space of unwanted items and excess clutter.
If I do absorb people’s energy, which inevitably does happen from time to time, I ‘release’ it by imagining giving it back to them, and/or asking the Earth to receive it from me. Then I thank her for doing so.
This also works in the shower. I release unwanted energies by asking the water to take it from me and compost it into the Earth.
Asking throughout the day, ‘are these energies mine, or someone else’s?’ Often what we’re feeling isn’t actually our own emotions, but someone else’s. It’s important to keep that discernment going and send it back when needed.
If I do want to share my energy to help others, I do it in ways which I am comfortable with. This includes social media posts, this newsletter, and my paid services, such as astrology readings or my book, which both contain healing energies. With the last two, I receive energy back in the form of money, which helps to sustain and nourish me, as well as helping me feel valued.
These are just a handful of tips and there are plenty more, but I hope they help! I’d love to hear from you if they do. I will probably cover more nuances of subtle energy work in future newsletters.
My Offerings
Last year I published my first book; a collection of poetry about death, grief, rage, trauma, mysticism and, ultimately, healing. It’s called Half Woman Half Grief and it mirrors the mythological heroine’s journey through the underworld of loss and darkness.
I’m an astrologer who combines natal, horary and evolutionary astrology to provide 1:1 readings. My approach is intuitive and deep, bringing light to the darker corners of our chart so we can start to heal and integrate those areas.
And lastly I’m a decolonial and anti-racism activist who co-hosts The Decolonial Podcast, where we explore the harmful impact of British colonialism, as well as the healing and reconciliation of it, through our identities as Indian and Pakistani women.